


you’ll always be my best guy

by cwbarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, damn steve rlly left bucky, i wrote this instead of doing hw, letter to steve, natasha mentioned, sam mentioned - Freeform, steve is a dumbass, stevebucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-11-01 22:54:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwbarnes/pseuds/cwbarnes
Summary: Steve,It’s been six months since you left.Our last hug I had filled with the possibility of maybe. Maybe you would tell me you changed your mind and you were going to stay. Maybe you would look me in the eyes and tell me you loved me. Maybe I would get to hear the three words that I’ve been waiting to hear since I was 16. Maybe my future would include you. Maybe I would get to live the life I wanted. But that’s not how our story ended is it?





	you’ll always be my best guy

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo if there is errors, sorry i didn’t read it after i wrote it but lmk if u find any!!! hope you enjoy :)

Steve

It’s been six months since you left.

It still doesn’t feel real, and I know everybody says that, but it’s different. I didn’t get a final goodbye. I didn’t get a doctor saying you passed away, we didn’t end with a big fight where you slammed the door and never came back home, I never got a letter saying that you were killed in action. 

I always expected one of those. But the reality is, you didn’t die, we didn’t have a big fight, you just walked out of my life and yeah, you are still here, but you aren’t here. I cant go to you and talk to you. I cant lay with you in my arms, you belong to someone else and lived a different life. I cant mess around with you until we end up wrestling on the ground. I cant call you mine. 

I walk into your room and you don’t remember me. The doctors say it’s Alzheimers. After Hydra I always imagined it as me forgetting you again, I never thought of the possibility of you forgetting about me. I would go to sleep every night with the fear of waking up and not knowing who the man next to me was. But you don’t remember me, I wasn’t prepared for that. 

I still remember the night you told me that you were going to go back to her. I knew something was wrong that night. You were quiet, you didn’t joke around and tell me that my cooking was going to kill you. Hell, you didn’t even smile when I was telling jokes. You always smile, even when they aren’t all that funny. You used to always smile. 

I thought you had a bad day, maybe you had something on your mind. I thought you were going to break up with me. Anything would have been better than what you told me. Even if we broke up, I would still be a part of your life. I would get to see you grow old. 

I’d get to see the crinkles that develop by your eyes when you smile. I would get to tease you about wanting to play bingo, and then I would play a game of bingo with you. And yeah, that sounds dumb, but i would be apart of your life and not removed entirely. We would always be friends, together or not I always thought that we would be apart of each other’s lives. 

I asked you what was wrong as we were doing the dishes. You just shook your head and looked at me with those blue eyes of yours. Those damn blue eyes. You said “it’s fine Buck, don’t worry about it.” Then you smiled at me. It wasn’t your real smile, your eyes didn’t light up. I pretended like I believed you, I knew you would tell me when you were ready. 

After we did the dishes in silence, you sat me down on our bed. You started out with a smile as if the news wasn’t going to shake my world, but the tears in your eyes told a different story. “I’m going to go back, Buck. I’m going to stay with Peggy when I return the stones” 

My entire world shattered. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to look in to your eyes and beg you to say. I wanted to grab your hand and never let you go. I wanted to tell you all the plans that I have been imagining for our future since we were 16 years old. 

But I knew you would stay, you’d listen, you would tell me that it was okay, that you wanted to stay with me. But i couldn’t let that happen. Stevie, you’ve always done everything you could to make me happy. I wanted to make you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. 

After you told me you said you were going to watch a movie, you gave me that small smile and left the room, quietly shutting the door as you left. I lost it. Warm tears spilled down my face, and I just sat there and cried. 

Last time I cried that hard was when I left for war. But you don’t know that. I waved to you and Becca as I left, and I watched you two from my window until I couldn’t make out your blurry figures standing at the train station anymore. I wasn’t scared of dying, and I know, sounds crazy. I was scared of you dying. I was scared that I was going to get a letter and find out that you died back at home. I thought you would get sick, and never get better. 

As I was sitting there crying about how you were leaving me, I heard you crying. That broke my damn heart. 

But our last hug, that’s what broke me. As we hugged and I felt your muscled arms wrapped around me, I realized I would never get to hug you like that again. Our last hug I had filled with the possibility of maybe. Maybe you would tell me you changed your mind and you were going to stay. Maybe you would look me in the eyes and tell me you loved me. Maybe I would get to hear the three words that I’ve been waiting to hear since I was 16. Maybe my future would include you. Maybe I would get to live the life I wanted. But that’s not how our story ended is it? 

You were always what made me feel safe. When hydra got me, I thought of you. I wasn’t safe, and I didn’t want to forget you. I couldn’t forget you. You were my safety, my comfort, my home.

Turns out, hydra erased my memories starting with you. It’s like they knew that without you, I wasn’t the same. As if deleting my memories of you would make me lose hope. It worked. 

Stevie, I’m glad you are happy. I’m sitting on a bench at that park that we always used to run at. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this letter, Sam said it would help me. Sam has really been here for me. He keeps telling me that it’s as if I lost a friend. That just doesn’t sound right to me. Because you didn’t die, you just vanished from my life and my future as if you did.

Sam loves the shield. He deserved it. We are thinking about getting a little apartment together, just to save up for rent together. I might cut my hair, the way you liked it before I was drafted. You use to say you loved it short, you said you loved how it would curl around my ears. I’ve never loved it short, but I need a change. Hell, my whole life is different without you whats one more thing.

I haven’t told you about Tasha. She died, she died so she could save everyone. Sounds like the same crap you would pull. When I visit you, you don’t even ask about her. I guess it’s better that you don’t remember her, I don’t know how I would be able to tell you that she is gone too.

So Stevie, you know that I have always love you. Incase you didn’t know, here we go again.

I love you

I love you 

I love you.

I’m glad you’re happy Stevie. You will always be my best guy.

I love you buddy.

\- Bucky Barnes

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING i might just cry if u leave kudos and i will for sure cry if u leave a comment!! tell me how to improve my writing, or give suggestions for a future fic!!
> 
> also i may or may not be on stan twitter for marvel so go follow me there<3 @cwbarnes


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